Rusted out soul.

Today a headline was released that ISIS beheaded twenty one Christians.  Here is how I spent my day.

I watched five episodes of The Vanilla Ice Project.

I watched three episodes of Overhaulin’.

We drove three towns over to shop for a specific brand of trail mix that we like.

I played Words With Friends.

I scanned through Facebook probably a dozen times.

I rode a stationary bicycle for thirty minutes.

We bought ice cream from Oberweis with a gift card I forgot I had.

I read a chapter of the book Joshua.

I ate a bowl of cereal, two pita sandwiches, some salad, about a dozen pieces of candy, a spoonful of ice cream, and some tortellini. 

I compared prices on various species of wood I’m thinking about using to make a table.

I took a shower and was irritated that it wasn’t really hot enough.

What did I do today?  The same thing I do every day. Not a damn thing. Just exactly what the devil ordered.  Not a damn thing.

This is broken. Not even destroyed. It’s rusted out from sitting unused for two decades. Rusted out soul.

A war has been waged against us and I had to stop myself from complaining that my government wasn’t doing enough about it.  All while I did even less.


10 thoughts on “Rusted out soul.

  1. Mensching Linda says:

    Jim and Paul, Thank you for the insight you both share with us. The only thing I know to do is to pray. I don’t know how to help the people who are dying because of their beliefs. They are thousands of miles away and I feel helpless but I do know how to pray and that may or may mot be enough but it is all I have to offer. I also offer my gratefulness to be a child of a God who sees it all and will deal with it all. Peace


    • Linda you are right. It is so hard to not feel helpless. But prayer is a big deal. I definitely believe that. But also consider those right around you who you CAN reach. Take care Linda. I hope all is well.


  2. Dear Jim, I love your passion, I love your honesty, and I love you my brother.

    Yet I never read of Jesus suffering survivor guilt. Never read of Jesus depressed at not having changed the world faster. Cheesed-off sometimes, irritated and tired at how we don’t get it so often, indignant at confronting the absence of love under His nose. But never survivor guilt.

    He took a wide berth when He wanted to, He confronted when He wanted to, He healed when He wanted to, and He walked as He wanted to. Yet He never converted and saved everyone. People died, were still crucified, were still occupied, were still cheated and oppressed. All while He walked, and after He died and was raised – even then – even now.

    A rusty soul is survivor guilt. And the problem I have with that? It clogs up the channels between me and Him and you and us. It takes up valuable bandwidth. It gets in the way of love.

    I do not have wisdom in fixing such deep rooted anger, fear, abuse and terror. I watch and I curl up inside. I imagine and go cold inside. I cry for the pain and suffering. The conscious manipulation of something so fine – the energy and creativity applied to such depravity – the brilliantly warped mind-set to justify such theatrical terror – and the ability to celebrate this as another “success”.

    Fear and the application of fear. All dressed up as love. As God. As One.

    Survivor guilt gets in the way. And breeds its own fear. And that does paralyse. That turns us inward. Makes us weak. Impotent. And that clogs up more bandwidth. Eternity is a bummer! Way to complicated for us mere mortals.

    So let us cry together, love together, strengthen each other, and become so connected we connect as One! Love not fear.

    Even when the answers are missing. Even when the tears are hot and endless. Even when eternity is beyond us.

    Love you brother – you connect me with stuff I never knew was there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul thanks as always for your amazing comments. I sometimes feel like this is a two-man blog and I love that. I don’t really see this as much like survivor guilt, but maybe it is. I suppose the difference for me as compared to Jesus is that he also didn’t spend a ton of time wasting time. The Bible doesn’t get into a lot of detail about it, but I suppose he certainly spent time resting. This post for me was more about the realization that I was upset at the failure of “them” (whoever “them’ is) to do more about this. But at the same time, other than writing this blog, I’m not doing much to reach out to those who don’t know Christ.

      So I don’t think there is a whole lot I can do about ISIS. But there are the forgotten right around be and I could be doing more to reach out to them. This was more of a wake up call for me than an imposition of guilt. While there are people out there being beheaded, I’m just sitting on the couch while being surrounding by people in need of an introduction to Christ.

      But after reading your comment a few times, I think you’re right. I think there is some survivor guilt in there as well. I struggle to allow God to bless me. If something is going right, I feel like I can’t enjoy because I don’t deserve it. A moment of rest is tarnished with an overtone of guilt that I could have used that moment for something more.

      That’s changing a little right now as I’m picking up an old favorite book from growing up, Joshua by Joseph Girzone.

      Thanks Paul!


      • “Joshua” – an old friend! And thank you for allowing me the space for a small soap-box on your post!

        I love His “first and foremost” – Love ME, then yourself and others the same. Virtuous circle!! 🙂


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