90 minutes that turned me around. And I needed it.

Ömer Ünlü / Foter.com / CC BY

People think I really have it together.  If only they knew.  The inside of my head is a messy place.

I’ve been missing for a couple of weeks.  But I’ve actually been more than just missing.  I’ve been steeped in a two week barrage of intentional rebellion against God.  I was angry about some stuff.  I get that way sometimes.  And I didn’t just wander from God.  I prayed and told God I was going off the reservation for a while and I didn’t know how long.  And my life went they way it always does at when I rebel: badly.  But I’ve never done this intentionally before.  It’s always been a “victim of circumstance” type of justification in the past.  I guess technically that’s intentional, but this was different.  I’ve never looked God in the face (so to speak) and pretty much flipped him the bird.

But I did.  And the walk back to God for me is normally slow and filled with shame and a strong dose of self-hate.  But this walk back was as different as the original rebellion.

I got an email from a friend that wanted to meet.  She’s with the church, so I figured it was about my Sunday school class.  I actually lost a little sleep thinking maybe I did something to tick off some parents.  My class is, you could say, non-traditional.  Maybe I was getting hollered at for something.  But maybe I was being asked to step up to a higher level, so that was an exciting thought.

I even brought my yellow pad.  I was ready.  We engaged in the normal small talk and then that moment came when it was obviously time to get down to business so I asked, “So what’s up?”

“Nothing.  I was just concerned about you.”

Wait.  Hang on a second.  There is no agenda?  No hill to be charged?  This friend is taking time out of their day, a lot of it, just to be sure I am okay.  Actually set an appointment just for that.  While everyone else was assuming I had it all together, this friend saw something and was concerned and took an hour and half out of her time to talk.

And wow did I talk.  I stopped myself about an hour into it realizing that I was engaged in a major “Jim explosion” and I was yammering on and on.  But that was okay.  I was assured it was okay.  We talked about all sorts of things.  One of the things we talked about was the fact that I teach Sunday school, but my kids only come to church at all maybe half the time.  Odd.  I agreed.  So we mixed in a little correction and challenge all at the same time.

A meeting for no specific reason.  Well actually that’s not true.  I meeting for me.  I’m not used to that.  But it turned me around at a time that I seriously needed to be turned around.  And as is often the case it coincided with other events like a fellow blogger calling me out on not posting, another writer finishing her book.  All these things came together and for the first time I felt true regret for my rebellion.  Not just feeling bad for myself.  This was a true connection with God where I felt bad about my sin for God’s sake, not just for my own self-loathing purposes.

This was a big day.  A day that pulled me out of a place that I needed to be pulled from.

So thank you.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

Happy New Year everyone.

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4 thoughts on “90 minutes that turned me around. And I needed it.

  1. He met with you and cradled you in His love when and where you weren’t expecting it … You say you were “going off the reservation” … He had already gone before you and was waiting with open arms.

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