People think I really have it together. If only they knew. The inside of my head is a messy place.
I’ve been missing for a couple of weeks. But I’ve actually been more than just missing. I’ve been steeped in a two week barrage of intentional rebellion against God. I was angry about some stuff. I get that way sometimes. And I didn’t just wander from God. I prayed and told God I was going off the reservation for a while and I didn’t know how long. And my life went they way it always does at when I rebel: badly. But I’ve never done this intentionally before. It’s always been a “victim of circumstance” type of justification in the past. I guess technically that’s intentional, but this was different. I’ve never looked God in the face (so to speak) and pretty much flipped him the bird.
But I did. And the walk back to God for me is normally slow and filled with shame and a strong dose of self-hate. But this walk back was as different as the original rebellion.
I got an email from a friend that wanted to meet. She’s with the church, so I figured it was about my Sunday school class. I actually lost a little sleep thinking maybe I did something to tick off some parents. My class is, you could say, non-traditional. Maybe I was getting hollered at for something. But maybe I was being asked to step up to a higher level, so that was an exciting thought.
I even brought my yellow pad. I was ready. We engaged in the normal small talk and then that moment came when it was obviously time to get down to business so I asked, “So what’s up?”
“Nothing. I was just concerned about you.”
Wait. Hang on a second. There is no agenda? No hill to be charged? This friend is taking time out of their day, a lot of it, just to be sure I am okay. Actually set an appointment just for that. While everyone else was assuming I had it all together, this friend saw something and was concerned and took an hour and half out of her time to talk.
And wow did I talk. I stopped myself about an hour into it realizing that I was engaged in a major “Jim explosion” and I was yammering on and on. But that was okay. I was assured it was okay. We talked about all sorts of things. One of the things we talked about was the fact that I teach Sunday school, but my kids only come to church at all maybe half the time. Odd. I agreed. So we mixed in a little correction and challenge all at the same time.
A meeting for no specific reason. Well actually that’s not true. I meeting for me. I’m not used to that. But it turned me around at a time that I seriously needed to be turned around. And as is often the case it coincided with other events like a fellow blogger calling me out on not posting, another writer finishing her book. All these things came together and for the first time I felt true regret for my rebellion. Not just feeling bad for myself. This was a true connection with God where I felt bad about my sin for God’s sake, not just for my own self-loathing purposes.
This was a big day. A day that pulled me out of a place that I needed to be pulled from.
So thank you. You know who you are. Thank you.
Happy New Year everyone.